Writer’s Name: Hannah DeLaughter
Does the writer state a thesis at the end of the first paragraph that explains why s/he wants to study a particular subculture and does s/he make a claim about how his or her view of that subculture has been formed? If you can’t find a thesis point this out here.
If you can find a thesis, rewrite the thesis here:
I thought that if I researched more of the subculture I thought I might become interested in this graceful, yet energetic culture.
Does the thesis make an argument that a reasonable person could disagree with? If yes, what? If no, suggest a thesis based on the paper.
Not really, this thesis does not pose an arguable belief about the subculture. I would suggest something along the lines of : “The art of dancing is consider mostly a female organization as men are held to stereotypes by society.”
What subculture is named in the paper?
Dancers
Could the thesis need to be more concise or more complex?
It needs to say something about the subculture.
Is the thesis specific enough to have meaning? Make a suggestion that pushes the language towards more specific meaning:
It could say something about the stereotypes held about dancers or mention the long history of artistic dancing.
How does the essay address the writer’s fixed position in connection with his or her potential subculture? Quote from the paper to explain.
Because she is female and young, she thinks that she will have a different opinion of the subculture than if she were not female and young. “All in all, I really think that my personal fixed influences will have a huge influence on my fieldwork”
What does the writing tell you about this student’s subjective position? Quote from the paper to explain.
She has been involved in dance before and therefore has a slight insider view.
What does the writing tell you about this student’s textual position?
Quote from the paper to explain.
She likes the subculture but does not like its exclusiveness to women. “…men should be allowed to dance if they really enjoy it…”
Does the essay seem like a story or does it seem too formal? Suggest where narrative elements might serve as good examples.
It’s in between/has a good balance. She tells a little about her own life, “My mother was a dancer and I still see her passion…” and a little about the big picture, “…that is a problem in our society now because men should be allowed to dance…”
Does each paragraph seem to be an appropriate length, with only one main idea per paragraph? If not, what specific suggestions do you have to make this paper better organized?
Yes, she has a separate paragraph for fixed positions and stereotypes.
What suggestions do you have to make the content of this paper better?
I’d like to hear more about her past history with dancing. She could be a little more specific about the stereotypes and probably add some personal experiences with these stereotypes.
What do you think the strength of this paper is?
Showing the stereotypes in this subculture
What are the weaknesses?
There isn’t much about her history with the subculture
What’s missing?
Personal input
What’s unnecessary?
Stating that it will be “fun and entertaining” to study this subculture
Mark on the manuscript any important grammar/spelling mistakes.
Fill out the following chart, adding your comments about each component.
CRITERIA
READER'S COMMENTS
Weak Satisf. Strong
__w___ _____ _____ Thesis: clear, important, risky
Comments:
_____ ___s__ _____ Evidence: relevance, strength, credibility
Comments:
_____ ___s__ _____ Organization: arrangement of ideas, guiding the reader
Comments:
_____ __s___ _____ Mechanics: spelling, grammar, punctuation
Comments:
_____ __s___ _____ Overall effectiveness: Was the relationship between the author’s background and their subculture clear? Were you convinced of the effects?
Comments: There isn’t enough personal input in the paper
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