Writer’s Name: Grace Fahrbach
Does the writer state a thesis at the end of the first paragraph that explains why s/he wants to study a particular subculture and does s/he make a claim about how his or her view of that subculture has been formed? If you can’t find a thesis point this out here.
If you can find a thesis, rewrite the thesis here:
“I understand why people use Facebook and I don’t think who I am will affect the way I see this group, although looking at pictures and more into conversations I may have to keep an open mind about that.
Does the thesis make an argument that a reasonable person could disagree with? If yes, what? If no, suggest a thesis based on the paper.
No: “Facebook seems to be taking over other forms of communication.”
What subculture is named in the paper?
The Facebook community
Could the thesis need to be more concise or more complex?
It must be a little more concise. I’m not even sure what the second part of the sentence means.
Is the thesis specific enough to have meaning? Make a suggestion that pushes the language towards more specific meaning:
Make a debatable observation about Facebook. Make an accusation about it.
How does the essay address the writer’s fixed position in connection with his or her potential subculture? Quote from the paper to explain.
She answers the question pretty directly. “I don’t see these fixed positions affecting my fieldwork.”
What does the writing tell you about this student’s subjective position? Quote from the paper to explain.
She seems to have a negative attitude towards the program. “I have had Facebook since eighth grad and I still don’t understand why people love it so much.
What does the writing tell you about this student’s textual position?
Quote from the paper to explain.
She is against certain aspects of the Facebook community. “I am not biased towards Facebook but I do feel as if people totally put themselves out there on the internet…”
Does the essay seem like a story or does it seem too formal? Suggest where narrative elements might serve as good examples.
It has a nice balance with some mentions of family members joining and the overall user base of Facebook.
Does each paragraph seem to be an appropriate length, with only one main idea per paragraph? If not, what specific suggestions do you have to make this paper better organized?
Some of the paragraphs are too long. Second paragraph can be broken in to two separate paragraphs about fixed positions and one about question about her family members.
What suggestions do you have to make the content of this paper better?
Take out the fluff. i.e. “I am really excited to start studying this subculture”
What do you think the strength of this paper is?
Her personal experiences with the facebook community.
What are the weaknesses?
Not enough opinion, its mostly facts.
What’s missing?
Her opinions on many of the subjects she writes about.
What’s unnecessary?
“I am really excited to start studying this subculture”
Mark on the manuscript any important grammar/spelling mistakes.
Fill out the following chart, adding your comments about each component.
CRITERIA
READER'S COMMENTS
Weak Satisf. Strong
__w___ _____ _____ Thesis: clear, important, risky
Comments:
_____ __sa___ _____ Evidence: relevance, strength, credibility
Comments:
_____ __sa___ _____ Organization: arrangement of ideas, guiding the reader
Comments:
__w___ _____ _____ Mechanics: spelling, grammar, punctuation
Comments:
_____ __sa___ _____ Overall effectiveness: Was the relationship between the author’s background and their subculture clear? Were you convinced of the effects?
Comments: I know she wanted to take out some of the more personal elements, but I would suggest just watering them down a bit and not taking them out completely.
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